MANDALA # 32/1000 

What Is My Truth?

I wonder where my truth lies
I am searching for it
believe me I am searching

and beneath the layers
I fear I’m not who I thought I wanted to be

I’m making mistakes
I’m hurting the people I love
because I don’t have the courage
to say what I want
what I need

So please tell me
what is my truth?

It’s ironic really
the way I can’t tell someone
they are hurting me
in fear of hurting them

so of course they will continue acting as they do
because they have no clue
because how could they possibly know
if I refuse to tell them

especially when I laugh with them
and make it seem
like I have not a care in the world

when in reality
I am storing the pain in my body
bottling it up
until it becomes a dangerous energy
deep within me

and when they are least expecting it
they will catch me on a day
when I can’t hold it all together
and I will explode
assaulting them
with all the emotions pent up within me

and then of course
I have done what I fear the most
I hurt them
and I hurt them on a deep and confusing level
because they never saw it coming
they never knew it was building

so wouldn’t it be much simpler
if I said what I needed to say
if I felt what I needed to feel
from the beginning
if I learned to let it all flow through
me and back to them
instead of holding on to every
harsh word and careless judgment

or what if I just let it go?

I want to change
I am willing to change
I am willing to change
damn it I am willing to change

maybe it is the learning curve that trips me up sometimes

I am doing the best that I can
I am finding my voice
and I am finding the courage to use it


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