MANDALA # 18/1000
A Letter to my Ex-Lover
To my favorite ex-lover,
I have sat on this letter for a very long time.
I have written it many ways. A different light.
A different tone. I have ripped it to pieces. I have crumpled it in a ball.
I have thought of it often,
As I have thought of you often.
And so I feel it is time to lay down my armor.
To be honest and vulnerable.
When you said goodbye to me I felt the familiar red lines of rejection slice through my body. I wasn’t able to truly feel the weight of what I was losing. It suddenly had nothing to do with you and all to do with me. What I wasn’t. My insecurities.
Maybe if I was prettier. If I was more serious. If I had a better handle on my emotions. If I had a better job. If I was older. If I was happier.
The list could go on forever. And I thought if I could be all of those things maybe you wouldn’t have said goodbye the way that you did. I wanted to prove to you I was worthy of your love.
With time I discovered, you saw me as the flame of a candle in your search for florescent light.
Out of anger I fell into the arms of another. And he was all the things I thought I wanted. He gave me the attention I thought I desired. But he wasn’t YOU.
It was time to be alone. For the first time in years I allowed myself to hold my own hand. Still I thought of you. I thought of no one before you and none of the men after you. Maybe I meant nothing to you. Trust me I understand. I am not a fool, but that is not the point. You meant something to me. AND you deserve to know that.
I think the world of you.
I always have. I always will.
I liked everything about you.
I liked the way you smiled when you laughed. You smiled with your eyes. And you laughed with your whole body.
I liked the way you spoke. The expression in your voice.
I liked that you were older. You had experienced so much more life than I knew.
I liked your passion, your drive.
I liked the way your face smelled of lavender.
I liked the way your beard felt against the side of my neck when you kissed my ear.
I liked feeling the warmth of your chest against my back.
I liked the way you held my hand. The way you would press your thumb into my palm.
I could go on forever.
I liked everything about you. I liked you.
I will not apologize for not being what you wanted. But I will apologize for never telling you all of this while we were together.
I was afraid to be vulnerable. I wanted to seem cool.
I am telling you now. PLEASE believe me. Not because I have hopes to win you back. Or in attempts to make you feel guilty. I simply want you to know how WONDERFUL you are. We often think highly of others but are too afraid to share it. So I share it now, for the world to see.
And when you find your life-long lover, I hope she will be all you ever dreamed of. She will be a lucky woman, to have the heart of someone like you.
And I will be just fine. So do not pity me. For I am grateful of my time spent with you and my time without you.
I WILL KEEP DANCING TO THE MUSIC.
Because although you said,
“Life is difficult for those who want a lot from it.”
I think life is INCREDIBLE for those who embrace all it has to offer.