MANDALA # 30/1000 

Healing the Sacral Chakra
2.16.19

Section 1:

I have had a lot of lovers
but I have never been in love

Section 2:

There is a lock on my hips
I let in every man who claimed to have a key

Section 3:

I fell for a boy
all my broken pieces lived in Brooklyn
he held my heart
he promised to protect me
he pulled me close
my head rested in his neck
we slow danced in my bedroom
he held my face in his hands
told me I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen
as though being beautiful could erase the damage
he promised to never hurt me the way the other man did
he called me each evening to say goodnight
and texted each morning to wish my day well
he filled the empty spaces
I trusted him
he was there for me
he was there with me
I placed my heart in his cold hands
and he dropped it to the floor
without a second thought
until he changed his mind
addicted to his affection
begging him not to leave
I would become whoever he wanted me to be
whatever he needed if it meant he would stay
years we did this dance
my best kept secret
if my friends knew I went back time and time again
to man who discarded me like garbage
the shame
I feel it still as I write this
and my behavior to follow
how I wanted to get back at him
but how I only punished myself

Section 4:

I found myself in situations
I never understood

addiction to fill a space
adderall in the morning
adderall in the afternoon
adderall in the evening
swallowed with wine in the apartment
shots in the dirty bar
snorting cocaine in the bathroom
I found myself in a strangers home
he pressed his fingers into my throat
he pushed my head into the wall
I laughed a laugh that wasn’t funny

“come on hit me like you mean it”

and he slapped my skin so hard it echoed through the room
but I didn’t feel a thing
as he pushed me to the bed I had flashbacks
of a nightmare I wanted to forget
only this time I was asking for it
I felt sick with clarity
screaming like a madwoman for him not to touch me
I ran
and he chased after me apologizing over and over again
he was confused he thought it was what I wanted
but I couldn’t look at him
I couldn’t look at him
so I ran home
in the middle of the night in Brooklyn
and I threw up on the corner
I felt the toxic energy escaping me
as the homeless man asked

“honey are you okay?”

his kindness oh his kindness

Section 5:

I have had a lot of lovers
but I have never been in love
my jaw is broken
a direct link to the hips
there have been so many faces
I am getting them confused
I kept thinking each one would save me
be the answer to my pain
but each one a disappointment
each more than the last

Section 6:

It is funny how I began this mandala in October
when we had our first kiss
I kissed him
I kissed him
I kissed him on the steps of my home
I did it to see if he would kiss me back
and he did
oh he did
with a fire I never expected
I awoke something in him
he awoke it back in me
I have kissed a lot of boys
but they all seem laughable now
because what I felt with him was out of this world
maybe it was the years of buildup
it was forbidden
a 43 year old man of power
and a 25 year old girl
CLICHÉ
she warned me he was spineless
but I defended him
always
and I made quite the fool of myself
as I begged for him
as we sat in the movie
I pressed my whole body into his
wishing I could be so close to him
that our bones would touch
wanting him in every which way
I wanted to kiss the wrinkles on his eyes
and lift the burden off his back
I wanted to open his closed heart
and show him what I saw in him
I worked around his schedule
I kept my needs quiet
I thought I did everything right
I was patient for once
because he was someone worth waiting for
but he slammed the door in my face
without a word
nothing at all
he must have thought so little of me
he couldn’t even spare a second to say goodbye
and so it is funny
the way I finish this mandala of healing when
I am hurting the most
when I feel discarded once again

Section 7:

I do not crumble from rejection
I crumble from being ignored
it breaks my heart into pieces
it is my downfall
and as I sit in the silence
I feel myself fall
falling deep in the mud
covered in blood
I think to myself
I will never open my heart again
never again
I am defeated
I am a pathetic excuse for a woman
for the first time I am giving up
I have tried too many times
the game is over
the men all win
CONGRATULATIONS TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF
THE MEN WHO PLAYED WITH MY HEART
you did it
I hope it feels good
I hope you enjoyed hurting me
and treating me less than human
I hope it brought you happiness and all the joys of life
because you did it DAMN IT you did it
you destroyed me
all I ever wanted was to bring light into their life
all I wanted was to make them smile
and look where it got me
laying down face first in the mud

Section 8:

alone in the mud
just when I thought I could take no more
both of my grandma’s appeared
grandma mimi held my left hand and said

“I always loved you Sara, even when you thought I didn’t”

and grandma dee held my right hand and said

“I always loved you, but you knew that”

and she winked her famous wink
and a woman who looked like me
but much prettier
and much older
she kneeled into the mud with me
not caring about her white dress
she held my face in her hands
and she kissed my forehead
she said

“Sara you must get back up
come on
we will do this together”

Section 9:

my heart is lighter
I am standing again

and I laugh to myself as I realize
I can be a bit dramatic at times
they didn’t destroy me
HA they didn’t stand a chance

and even if there is a lock on my hips
there is so much love within me

all the voices in my head
they say in unison

I hold the key
I hold the key
I hold the key
I HOLD THE KEY

SAS

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